A love that dare not speak its name for so long
SOME people hope to find love once in their lives. Marina Tuffy is lucky enough to have found it twice.
On June 2 next, Marina could be celebrating her silver wedding anniversary. But that is not the case. Her life was to take a very different journey.
Twenty-five years ago Marina married Tomas. They had four children, one boy and three girls. They were a typical Irish family.
But their family was devastated when Tomas died of a heart attack in 2000. Marina was left a widow with four small children, ranging in age from eight months to eight years old.
Marina struggled to face the future on her own. She found help and support in her family and in her community and in counselling. She found an outlet in singing and joined the local church choir.
And it was there that her life took another, most unexpected, turn. Cupid struck.
In September 2001 Marina found herself standing next to newcomer and fellow soprano, Cynthia Silva.
“I was afraid to admit it for a long time. But I can honestly say now that it was love at first sight,” Marina said.
Marina was lucky enough to have found love for a second time. Others would see this love as different, dangerous, a sin even.
To Marina and Cynthia, it was that powerful, beautiful connection that any couple experience when they fall in love.
For five years this was a love that dare not speak its name. The couple hid their relationship to protect Marina’s children and for fear of losing their community.
But their commitment to each other was unambiguous from the beginning. Three months after they met, under the first full moon of 2002, they held a secret lifelong commitment ceremony on Bertra Beach.
“We dreamed of a day when we wouldn’t have to hide our love, when we wouldn’t have to wonder was it ok for people to know we were gay. That wondering still goes on. How many heterosexual couples wonder if they should hide their love? If their kids will be bullied? Yet that is a question we have to keep asking all the time.
“We watched the KAL case with great interest and inside we dared to dream that someday we too could get married.”
These dreams were crushed when they lost their case in 2006. They didn’t give up. Marina qualified as a psychotherapist, and they worked hard to establish support groups west of the Shannon and here in Mayo.
Marina and Cynthia were co-founders of Ella in Roscommon and Tost? in Mayo. And more recently Marina and Stephen Bourke set up SWAG (So We Are Gay) in Mayo for LGBT young people. They are both very interested in improving the wellbeing of all people, especially those that are marginalised by Irish society.
On September 3, 2011, they celebrated 10 years together and realised they had two significant birthdays coming up. There is only a day between their birthdays so they decided that they would get engaged for Cynthia’s 60th birthday and that they would get married for Marina’s 50th. They returned to Bertra Beach and got engaged on horseback in that wild place that they both love. Then, last September, they got married.
“We got our marriage licence on September 9, 2014, my 50th birthday,” Marina explained. They were married in Woodstock, Connecticut, because they couldn’t get married here in Ireland.
“Life is precious and we had waited long enough,” Cynthia stated. “We didn’t want to be going down the aisle on Zimmer frames!”
They were joined by 50 guests in America and, when they returned home, they had a ceremony on Bertra Beach.
This time it wasn’t in secret, it was in broad daylight, and as they walked down that beach they were greeted by a beautiful rainbow. That evening they were joined by 150 guests, including family members, neighbours and friends, at a reception in Mulranny to celebrate their marriage.
They are most grateful and delighted to feel the support of their local community. Yet their marriage is not recognised in Ireland. It is called a civil partnership, which it is not.
“I know what marriage means,” said Marina. “That’s why we had to leave my country to get married because on that day we wanted to feel equal and know that we were the same as every other married couple who stood there and witnessed our marriage.
“Now, next Friday, the people of Ireland and Mayo will have the chance to vote, so that Cynthia and I, and other gay and lesbian couples, will be recognised as equal citizens, so that they will not be made to feel second class. So that no love will have to hide.
“This is our chance to cherish all the children of this country equally. It has taken 99 years, but this year we can make it a reality.”